the end is near.

I graduate high school next month. I have grown as a person so much. I have changed in ways, but overall I’m still just me. I’ve felt terrible pain and complete bliss. Both of which, temporary. There are many lessons I learned, because of my stubbornness, the hard way.

One distinct decision I made after my freshman year is one that will forever stand out to me. Up until that point, I was an easy target. People could say whatever they wanted to me basically with no response. (I was bullied my freshman year). I never said my opinion around anyone I wasn’t close to and I always tried to lay low. But one day, I thought about all of that. I didn’t want to be quiet, little, Alexis anymore. I had thoughts, opinions, and beliefs like everyone else. I figured mine should be heard too, not a crazy idea right? So, I started to let everyone hear them. It came pretty easy to me actually. It was almost like everything I ever wanted to say just came pouring out of me. All over my Snapchat story and Twitter feed. I spoke about everything. Simple things that grind my gears, my thoughts on people in general, hate crimes, just to name a few. The response received from my peers was mixed, about 30/70 from what I can see. 70% thought I should shut up and that I talked too much. 30% felt the same way I did and encouraged my rants. Those people are the reason why I have kept at it for so long. Sometimes, I want to stop. There are a lot of people who can’t stand me and probably avoid me just because I speak on things that are true. Just recently I have decided to lay off of it. I’m starting to believe my “friends” don’t think it is an attractive trait either. But I could be wrong.

Speaking of friends, that is an endeavor I haven’t been very successful at through high school. I made one very good friend when I first started high school. She was in my first class of the day. Her name is Kiara, lovingly known as Keke. Keke was the greatest friend I could have asked for. She is funny, caring, and what is most important to me in a friend: always there for me. She made me feel like I was actually involved in a friendship. We were always together. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I never had to question our friendship. That is important to me because I need constant reassurance or I start to think something must be wrong with me. Sadly, Keke moved after our sophomore year. I haven’t had a connection like that with a friend since then. What’s even more sad, is her and I aren’t as close because of it. We have small talk here and there, but I know she still cares about me. I have friends I guess, but I feel left out. They already had their friend groups when we became friends and I never receive the reassurance I need to make me know I’m apart of that. Maybe it’s because I’m not. This all sounds childish when I read it back, but feeling like you’re alone can really take a toll on you mentally. It definitely has on me.

These high school years are also when I was I diagnosed with dysthymia and anxiety. Dysthymia is a mild but long-term form of depression. Finding out I had it was no shock to me. One of the telling signs is having a relatively low mood for 2 or more years. That is me ever since I was about 8 or 9 years old. It is hard for me to get motivated to do things, I have low energy, and I seem to be at least a little negative all the time. I was given medication for this and it helped me a lot. I was much happier and less irritable. However, I got tired of taking it because I wanted to be happy without it. I didn’t want to take a pill just to cover up how I really feel. I wanted to learn how to just become a happier person. This has yet to happen and I’m not sure if I should continue not taking it.

(There is much more I could write about that I have been through in high school, and I probably will in a different post. I just wanted to get my thoughts together about my experience.)

 

-abs

love yourself girls

Many of us can remember being able to play with other kids without a mind that judged them. No one looked at race, or if Billy had big ears, or if Samantha always had snot peeking out of her nose. You could find a friend in anyone. The innocence within small children is something that is so beautiful to watch. Once people get older, they start to care about their appearance. For themselves, but a lot of the time for others too. That is when kids start making fun of each other too. In turn, that is what I believe is the reason for insecurities forming.

The road to self-love is a long and bumpy one no doubt. The first step:

Stop looking to others for validation.

Once you stop letting the opinions of others dictate how you feel about yourself, everything will fall into place. Reading what I just typed back to myself, I wonder why I ever did anything but that. If beauty is subjective, everyone has different opinions, why let one person ruin how you feel about your face and the way it looks. The next person you come in contact with might think you’re the most attractive person they’ve ever seen. That’s the beauty of everyone being different.

2. Stop comparing yourself to others

Yes the steps seem very hard and at this point you’re wishing there was a tea out there for confidence like there is for weight-loss. Sure, her curvy figure is beautiful but she’s her and you’re you. No one will ever be you and that is the mindset you have to keep with you forever. You don’t know the people you see on your Twitter timeline that you think are so pretty. They could be terrible people, or they could even hate themselves while you’re idolizing them. No one will ever have your sense of humor, your kindness, or your wit.

3. Accept how you are or make a healthy change

In today’s world you can change just about everything about yourself but if you are reading this, I am helping you be on the path to self-love. If your nose is rather large to you, sure they have surgery for that. Or if you want big boobs because you think that’s what guys like, there is a surgical fix for that too. I think cosmetic surgery is a great thing and have nothing against it, but of course I’d rather see everyone love themselves how they are. If all else fails and you want to go that route, do it. If you have an issue with your weight, by all means, make a healthy lifestyle change to fix that. If you are overweight that is the type of change I think is great not only because of how you will look, but how you will feel too.

 

In closing, I hope everyone reading this takes something from it and gets some inspiration from a person who still struggles with insecurities sometimes, but has overall, recovered from extremely low self-esteem. By my belief, you were created by the most high in his perfect image, exactly how you were supposed to and he makes no mistakes.

 

-abs

america

To be someone who is so passionate about race relations, I have actually been fortunate enough to not have dealt with what people think of when you say the word racism. Many people get what it is in our modern-day America confused. Racism is a system of disadvantage based on race. Minorities are already put at a disadvantage when it comes to getting a quality education or a well-paying job. In simpler terms, racism is prejudice plus power. Me being a person of color, I cannot be racist towards anyone because I do not have the power to put someone at a disadvantage. We were all there when the #BlackLivesMatter movement started when a 17-year-old boy, Trayvon Martin, ¬†was fatally shot by George Zimmerman, a neighborhood watch volunteer. ‘Black Lives Matter’ is “a call to action and a response to the virulent anti-Black racism that permeates in our society.”(blacklivesmatter.com) It is not an anti-White terrorist organization or an organization that promotes Black supremacy. They do not condone or stand behind anyone who commits an act of violence in the name of #BlackLivesMatter. A common misconception is that the name suggests no other race that matters. It is only to explain that Black lives are being targeted so until Black lives start to matter to everyone, how can all lives possibly matter?

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People are constantly trying to silence Black people who are standing with the movement, speaking out, advocating, etc. Even in these modern days, it is wrong to try to escape the wrongdoing you may be dealing with. From my own experience I have noticed that uttering a word about racism will make someone receive a lot of backlash from white people. You don’t even have to include “white people” in whatever you are trying to say. I will never understand why the are automatically on the defensive. Me personally, I do not get offended when people mention the problems within the Black community. For instance, if someone mentions black-on-black crime, I do not get upset because I know it is prevalent but I am not a part of that. The only time it is offensive is when it is used in a way meant to downplay Black people being killed unjustly. It should be the same with people who are white. If you don’t use racial slurs, discriminate, etc., why be upset? Advocating equal rights should not upset someone who is in favor of equal rights. Talking about the issues in America is not helping divide us. Change will not come if we do not speak out about it.

 

-abs

dreaming

We all have childhood dreams of wanting to be a princess or superhero at one point. Or maybe you wanted to be like your favorite athlete you saw on the television. No matter what it was, there is a good chance you don’t want to be that anymore. Maybe your dreams have changed once, or twice, or three times, like me. Children seem like they persevere so much more than young adults. A little boy who wants to be like his favorite basketball player might play basketball outside every day for hours on end and talk about that person all the time. A little girl might sing at the top of her lungs to her idol’s music on the radio and beg her parents to watch her hold a mini concert in their living room. As we get older, that drive we had as kids shouldn’t go away. Looking back on how bad we wanted to achieve those dreams, we should want to achieve our current ones even more. Maybe you grew up and figured that dream wasn’t practical or that it wasn’t for you. That’s okay because there are people in college who don’t even have a major and are still trying to figure themselves out. Not a route I suggest but life happens.

Achieving a dream has many steps that go into it. It varies from dream to dream. Some are relatively quick and easy, others take years like career choices. No matter what it is, keep yourself moving forward by thinking about the rewards you’ll reap. The rewards don’t necessarily have to be money either. Me personally, I want to be a Forensic Scientist because many people are falsely accused of crimes that lead to long-term jail time and aren’t released until many years later once it is discovered they aren’t guilty. I just want to help people. Some people wish to do certain things just because they enjoy it. There may not be anything better than making money doing something you like to do anyway.

There are many people you may see that are homeless, or just not doing much with their life in all seriousness. I’m not sure about anyone else, but I’ve wondered “What did they want to be?” and “How did their dreams escape them?”. Homelessness is definitely not always a result of their own laziness. As said before, life happens, and sometimes, very badly. I hope that we can all do whatever it takes to make sure our dreams don’t escape us. Stay on top of them and persevere. Don’t let anything distract you from them. And most importantly, don’t become discouraged and start thinking you aren’t good enough or that you can’t do it. That I think is what crushes most dreams. Self-doubt is powerful because it’s you. No one is better at ending your trek towards your goals than you believe it or not.

 

-abs

 

up for debate

Being someone who is scrolling through twitter at almost any waking moment, a fatal flaw I have witnessed among my fellow tweeters is the inability to accept someone else’s opinion for what it is or just theoretically walk away. Now I have always said I won’t accept a shitty opinion. One that is racist, misogynist, or homophobic. If you possess any opinions of the such, I believe those you should keep to yourself and have a self examination while you’re at it. Those are the opinions worth dragging someone across the timeline by their collar for. You may even see me there participating in such dragging. (Because I’m working on myself, I try not to engage in online arguments but if it is just needed, I’ll do so). This post is titled “up for debate” because it is perfectly fine to debate various topics in a way that is respectful and without criticism of a person’s intelligence. Coming for a person’s intelligence or physical appearance because you do not agree with their opinion only shows your inability to back up your side of the argument with valid facts so you fill in the space with insults which only exhibits pure ignorance.

If someone’s personal opinions does not affect you in any way, why start an intense argument over it? I’m sure I can answer that question with the possibility of the person being an internet troll who does it for attention or out of boredom maybe. I wish I had enough time in the day as those people but fortunately if I did I would spend it in a way that would promote self-growth. I’m known to be a very opinionated person and I started being that way around my sophomore year of high school. Sometimes I hate being “that girl” but once you’re labeled as something there isn’t really much going back so I continue to be who I am. People have talked to my friends about the things I like to discuss online even which is crazy to me. I’m not sure why being opinionated is something people try to avoid being as long as you’re doing it in a positive way. I talk about race relations and how corrupt the government is. It is all talk about how I want things to be better for everyone. In closing, this brings me to one of my favorite quotes “If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.” – Desmond Tutu

 

-abs

numb

These past few weeks have made me realize a change in myself that shows growth and maturity. All my life, I’ve been dramatic. I have turned everything into a big deal worth crying and whining over for as long as I can remember. Just this morning, tears were running down my face at my job. I know you’re thinking “Weren’t you just saying you changed?” and yes. That little detail does not erase my previous statement because well, I hadn’t taken my happy pill in a few days. Which this brings me to wonder, have I actually matured, or has the introduction of medication into my life made me numb and unable to react? I think it is a mixture of both. Even when I haven’t taken it for a while, I don’t feel like crying when things go wrong I kind of shrug it off and keep moving. Don’t get me wrong, I still am aware that things are going terrible I just seem to be able to wrap my head around it.

I have been looking back on my short life reminiscing on how far I’ve come. I can’t count how many times I was so sure my world was falling apart all around me. If that was really the case, I made it through every single Armageddon. I see that I am strong and always have been. I’v been through so much that I feel others would crumble apart if they endured the same. I can’t say any of this without giving all credit to God. He made me this way and picked me up every time I fell. Every time I cried I felt that he was listening. I always do this thing where I cry and imagine Jesus hugging me and wiping my tears. It seems silly, but it helps. Not a lot of people know just the extent of my issues and struggles in life, although I’d be happy to tell anyone who wants to listen. But I know I have it great compared to some. I hope that anyone who takes the time to read this takes something away from it and maybe gets a little inspiration.

 

-abs

in the mist

With everything happening so that I can transition to the next chapter of my life, I have felt like I am in a cloud of mist that goes on for miles and miles. I can’t see what’s ahead of me, and I can’t turn around and go back because I can’t see behind me either. Because I cannot just sit down in the middle of the mist and stay there forever, I’m forced to at least keep going to see where I end up. Oh yeah and, in this hypothetical mist, I’m alone. No one can help me get to my destination besides myself.

The journey to get a post-secondary education might be one of the hardest things I have done, but it is almost like I’ve been going to school for 12 years already, it would be like I was slapping myself in the face if I didn’t take it further. Plus, I kind of don’t want to be a bum. The negative outcomes of not going to college is what’s pushing me further. I think that’s what’s making it hard to continue. There’s only negative thoughts in my head of what could happen every time I decide I’ve procrastinated too long and I need to do my homework already, or when I really don’t want to fail and need to study, and when I need to write an essay for a scholarship so I won’t be in college debt up to my ears.

In the end, I know it will all be worth it. I just want to help people by solving crimes in a little laboratory one day.