freshman year.

I’ve had a while to reflect on my first year of college and I must say, it was all I expected it to be with some surprises.

All I originally wanted out of the experience was to have the freedom I was never granted while in high school and to escape the toxic environment that was my home. Those two things, I achieved. I was very restricted during my childhood despite being a generally well behaved kid. I was never able to be out late which didn’t allow me to go to parties. I couldn’t express myself through clothing. I wasn’t even allowed to have social media because my dad has an irrational fear of the internet but I had it anyway.

Going to college was one of the best things I could have done because it improved my quality of life drastically. I learned a lot of things about myself and the world around me.

1. I became a more outgoing person

People that know me would say I’m not shy, but I think I mostly was. I wouldn’t speak to people I recognized unless I was spoken to first. Introducing myself to random people was something I could only dream of doing. I knew OF a lot of people but didn’t know them. I made it a goal of mine to change all of these things in college. When I first got on campus I would walk around my dorm building all the time. People would always see me which caused me to quickly become friends with them. I had so many friends at the very beginning of the year already because of twitter too. It had always been easy for me to interact online so I made my presence known among other freshmen before we moved in. My first year experience wouldn’t be what it was if I had remained shy.

2. College is not easy

At least to me. I’m gonna be honest: I was one of the smart kids in school. I took all honors and AP classes and graduated with a good GPA. It felt like it took no effort. High school was a breeze. I wasn’t prepared for how much college was going to demand from me. The first week of classes, I had a mental breakdown. One of the first things we were focusing on in chemistry already had me afraid of how college was going to be. I realized I actually had to study A LOT and classes are lecture style. Learning the material is really on you. My freshman year was definitely a humbling experience.

3. I didn’t know how guys were

I dated the same person throughout high school. I didn’t really know for myself how guys were until college unfortunately. I fell for the upperclassmen that wanted to manipulate younger girls. I fell for manipulation from guys my own age. I just wasn’t used to people not meaning what they say. It sounds like the simplest thing that should be ingrained in you at birth, but it’s an important lesson I learned way too late. I now trust my gut feeling a lot more than I did, I don’t wait around to see the bad outcomes of a situation, and I value actions a lot more than words.

4. I tried new things

I experienced smoking and drinking. I actually drank alcohol before college but I experienced hard liquor during my first year. My first time getting high was the absolute worst. I was tripping out really bad but I was encouraged to try it again and it went well so I continued to do it. My friends and I would have smoke sessions often. I really liked it at first because it made me happy and it brought out a side of me I like to call my alter ego. It lost its luster when I became really depressed which is why I cut back to almost not doing it at all. It wasn’t good for me because I would get really tired and be unable to do any work.

5. Clubbing is wack

I went to the club several times during first semester. The first time was like a culture shock. I thought it was cool but I hated waiting in line for ridiculously long and how crowded it was. I also don’t really dance so if felt like not doing so defeated the purpose. I gave it a chance and continued trying it because I wanted to include myself and see if my experience would be different. I found out it’s only enjoyable if I pregame and its crowded and hot at every venue.

5. I hit rock bottom

I needed it. After a few bad people came and left my life, I had become so angry and bitter. I seemingly just couldn’t win in any area of my life. Around January and February, I hit a wall. I really decided I was tired of the same outcome and I had to take control of everything. My grades were suffering because of how sad I was and I was tired of interacting with anyone. I started to actively fight my depression and anxiety instead of accepting it was just how I had to be forever. Because of my anxiety, I had a fear of eating alone. I don’t know why but its always been a different kind of awkwardness for me. It sounds weird but to get over it, I started spending all my time alone to escape the feeling of needing others. I religiously went to the cafe with the intentions of eating alone but if someone else wanted to eat with me, I allowed it. I also went to the library every night by myself. I became so used to my schedule and so happy in my own company. I’m glad I now know how to appreciate the company of others, but not be in need of it. My depression also greatly improved during this time. I still have my moments but it’s not as bad. I needed to hit my lowest point in life to realize that I’m the type of person who is hard headed. I won’t change my ways until trauma forces me to. I became such a stronger person after building myself up from the ground.

I’d have to say, my freshman year was a time of major growth.





one day at a time.

Sometimes I feel like the world is crumbling beneath me.

At any given moment, my mood can be ruined. There are people who have brought an immense amount of negativity into my life and if they are around, I get uncomfortable. I can’t help but be pushed back in time when my issues with them first appeared. When one thing makes me upset, my mind has to go ahead and recall everything that has ever made me upset. Thus, making it seem like I’m blowing things out of proportion. Just this morning, I viewed something on Snapchat that ruined my whole day. It’s really that easy. I then proceeded to angrily go on a rant in my text messages that eventually stopped getting a response.

I always feel very unimportant to anyone I know. I’m not sure why, but I’ve been dealing with it since high school. It’s kind of like I’m that one friend in the group who isn’t really in the group. When it comes to going places and getting together, I’m rarely thought of. I recently started to distance myself because of this, and of course, I’m the bad guy for it.

Now its “Lexi, you don’t fuck with us anymore” (as if they were really “fucking” with me to begin with.)

But I mean, no one seemed that worried before. I’m always made the antagonist once I react accordingly to other’s actions.

Since my last post, I have again been making the wrong judgement about the male variety. So much for not making the same mistakes right? But at least one good thing came out of it: The idea of entertaining any approach from a guy now makes me sick to my stomach. It honestly sucks that with every interaction with one, I become more and more convinced that for some reason I’m not good enough. Now of course, I know I am. And I know nothing is wrong with me. But this chemical imbalance says otherwise.

I remember my medication like it was yesterday.

I had been to a psychiatrist before, but she was so focused on the interaction of all of us in the household more than just me. Granted, that was a big part of my issue, especially when my dad first got remarried. Before going to a different one years later, I had nagged my dad about putting me on medication. Typical of black parents, his response was “You don’t need any medicine. Nothing is wrong with you.” The nagging continued however and I finally met with another psychiatrist. He felt like my issue partly laid in just being in my home environment which at the time was not so great following an event that was in a way, traumatizing for me. I was considering getting exonerated and moving out, which he also believed I should do. He honestly believed that my mental health would not be able to improve until I got out of my house.

This psychiatrist had regular conversations with me, we did an IQ test, and he finally had me do a very long questionnaire that would help him diagnose me. My favorite part was that he brought his dog to work with him. Once I did the questionnaire, it was determined that I have dysthymic disorder which is a persistent depression that is mild but long-term and anxiety. On my last day with him, because I had no intentions of continuing talk therapy and it was very straining on my parents’ pockets, one thing he said really stuck with me:

“You’re such a sweet kid, you don’t deserve to feel the way you do.”

It seems like nothing, but no one had ever made me feel like how I felt wasn’t my fault. I had spent so long being made out to be my own enemy. When I finally got medication after that, there was an amazing change. I was smiling more, I had more motivation, and I was just overall more happy. I for some reason, started to question it. I felt more in control of my brain but it was only because of the medicine. I started to think maybe I didn’t need it and I could handle it on my own. I didn’t want to be depending on a pill that made me think I was happy. So, I stopped. And for a long time I was okay most of the time. It was only when I got to college and bad things started happening that the depression came back at me full force.

Currently, I have no control over anything anymore. I cry a lot in my room and I’m not half the person I was the first few months of being in college. I feel like I’m 8 years old again scared to go to sleep at night because all of my fears and anything negative that crosses my mind has started to manifest itself in my dreams. The one time I was ever at peace anymore has become a war zone for all my demons.

Sometime 2 weeks ago, I decided to take control over this thing in my head that has had a hold on me for a decade or more.

I’m working on loving my own company more than anyone else’s because I need a break from disappointment. I’m getting over the urge of just really wanting a type of companionship. It seems like no issue, but it is for me. Although I don’t notice my own anxiety often, it really shows when it comes to going places alone. I used to not be able to go to the cafe and eat if I was alone. If I had no one to go with, I would have sleep for dinner. Now, I go to every meal with the intentions of eating alone. I hang out by myself and I go to the library religiously on my own. There are many things I’m working on getting good at. Another one of them being not comparing myself to other people. I have started to really love how I am and appreciate others’ abilities while also giving recognition to my own. I may not be like the next person in one aspect, but there is always something about me that is equally cool.

This journey I’m on was long overdue. I’ve been living my life thinking that it’s just something I have to deal with. It is going to take a while but I wake up everyday with the intentions of getting just a little better. I’m taking it one day at a time.


this broke me.

I’m not going to say don’t trust people. 

I’m not going to say don’t care about people.

I’m saying don’t be stupid.

College signified new beginnings. I made a plan to come out of my shell and meet any and everybody I possibly could. This being because in high school, I had very few friends. Not many people were worth my time. I came in and instantly had a group of friends. I felt like for once I belonged and was surrounded by people who enjoyed my presence. The newfound freedom was the best part. I come and go as I please and I tried partying for the first time.  Everything was going good. Until.

When someone catches your attention, it’s a combination of feelings. Its nervousness. butterflies. Its being worried to sound stupid in front of them. Its not being able to help but notice when they’re around. Its sickening.

Its something I hope I never feel again.

It was nice at the time. The attention was something I wasn’t used to. And it was coming from someone who I thought would never give me the time of day. I never expected the crush I had to actually go anywhere. Mainly because I was too scared to initiate anything. My luck had never been good in that department or any other for that matter. When they first invited me to hang out with them, this whole college thing really felt like a movie, or like I was having a really good dream.

And I rarely have good dreams.

I made a lot of terrible choices.  I fucked up. I did more than I should’ve done. I was so distracted. I cared. I made all. the. wrong. moves.

I should have stopped it there when a relationship wasn’t in the picture for them. But to me that didn’t matter. People need time and it’s not always the best thing to do when you’re at certain points in your life. That’s all fine, as long as it’s actually true. I was too interested to let it stop there. I was having fun regardless and I didn’t want things to be weird. But like I said, I did too much. Way too much for something that wasn’t going to go anywhere. But the actions said differently and I don’t know, I guess I was hopeful. I was treated like I was special and that shouldn’t have happened.

I didn’t realize any of this until I had a few male perspectives analyze the situation.

“When he found out you liked him, he put a target on your head”

“All those things he was doing, was just to get to you.”

“He played chess with you, and check mate.”

“He slam dunked on you.”

This was all said in the middle of the cafeteria. A light came on. It all clicked and made sense. It was the worst feeling. I started to cry right there.

To say the least, I went crazy. To some girls, that’s a common occurrence. Its even expected. But I lived a different life. I had been in a 3 and a half year relationship in high school. I never had the oh-so-wonderful chance to experience being “used” or “played”.

I tried to let it go. I really did. I didn’t want them to know I knew what they had done. I was still being asked to hang around. I thought I would be able to simultaneously stay friends and get over it at the same time. That’s a mistake on my part. I couldn’t conceal my true feelings for long. I turned rude. I made snappy remarks. I was just a really hurt and angry individual. I should’ve taken time away and distanced myself. To my friends, I should have stopped dealing with them altogether. I just didn’t want to be mean or bitter.

It wasn’t me.

I’m naturally petty. I never truly get over things. The pain numbs but I always wish a lot of things had never happened. I changed a lot because of this situation. I didn’t want to make more friends. I didn’t smile as much anymore. I went from loving college to almost hating it. I didn’t want to party. I used to be so up for anything. I had to tell the people around me its not them, I just had to start taking breaks from social situations. Upon that happening, it seemed like everything else started to seem not so good. Or maybe, my awareness enhanced. My “friends” started to act not so friendly. The family type of feeling I got from them went away.

Being that my actual family isn’t so great, I guess the way they started to act was fitting.

Honestly, I’ll never be the same. I used to never even have a guard to put up. I trusted people too much. “Actions speak louder than words” is the motto right? Well what do you do when you follow that, and you turn out to be wrong? What do you do when their actions are inviting, but their words are actually saying what they meant all along?

I took an L. But a good friend told me upon all of this happening:

“Every L is a Lesson not a Loss.”

I learned a lesson. And unfortunately, I learned it the hard way. My Dad told me for years:

“Lexi, you gonna learn all your lessons the hard way because of how you are. You don’t listen to anybody.”

I was told early on to dub it. All the little signs, I ignored them while other people were telling me how it is and where it was going. I just wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. I didn’t feel like I had ample evidence to just assume I was being played. I didn’t want to assume someone was doing something bad like that just for it to not be true. I’m so used to gambling. I gamble with life. I always have to know the “what if” and you never know where something is going to go until it gets there. That’s the terrible thing about me. Instinct is everything. And for the sake of giving people chances, I ignore mine. A truly good thing won’t ever feel bad. You should never get a bad feeling from something that is actually good.

One good thing about me however, I usually don’t make the same mistake twice.


1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

I am someone who cares about others intensely. Whether it be romantic relationships or friendships, I always try to put forth my best. I like to show people how important they are to me. My friends and even some acquaintances know they can come to me for a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or my personal favorite, a dose of my tough love when they need some advice.

Am I perfect? Of course not. Sometimes I go M.I.A. and they don’t always hear from me when I’m dealing with a lot. Sometimes I makes mistakes that leave them upset with me because I don’t always make the smartest decisions. I’m often left believing I have it all wrong. But that is where I will now refer to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Jesus is the best example for love. He loves unconditionally and always gives 100 percent. So in turn, I trust the bible’s definition for love.

I know that in doing this, I will end up more disappointed because not everyone chooses to love in that way. Effort scares people. Effort takes effort. People are getting lazier as the years go on. It’s easy to make friends but not so much to keep them. Many people are resorting to treating people how they are treated because they are tired of relationships being one-sided. I’ve thought about doing the same and it may cross my mind again. For now, knowing I put forth my best and it still fails will give me peace of mind.


the end is near.

I graduate high school next month. I have grown as a person so much. I have changed in ways, but overall I’m still just me. I’ve felt terrible pain and complete bliss. Both of which, temporary. There are many lessons I learned, because of my stubbornness, the hard way.

One distinct decision I made after my freshman year is one that will forever stand out to me. Up until that point, I was an easy target. People could say whatever they wanted to me basically with no response. (I was bullied my freshman year). I never said my opinion around anyone I wasn’t close to and I always tried to lay low. But one day, I thought about all of that. I didn’t want to be quiet, little, Alexis anymore. I had thoughts, opinions, and beliefs like everyone else. I figured mine should be heard too, not a crazy idea right? So, I started to let everyone hear them. It came pretty easy to me actually. It was almost like everything I ever wanted to say just came pouring out of me. All over my Snapchat story and Twitter feed. I spoke about everything. Simple things that grind my gears, my thoughts on people in general, hate crimes, just to name a few. The response received from my peers was mixed, about 30/70 from what I can see. 70% thought I should shut up and that I talked too much. 30% felt the same way I did and encouraged my rants. Those people are the reason why I have kept at it for so long. Sometimes, I want to stop. There are a lot of people who can’t stand me and probably avoid me just because I speak on things that are true. Just recently I have decided to lay off of it. I’m starting to believe my “friends” don’t think it is an attractive trait either. But I could be wrong.

Speaking of friends, that is an endeavor I haven’t been very successful at through high school. I made one very good friend when I first started high school. She was in my first class of the day. Her name is Kiara, lovingly known as Keke. Keke was the greatest friend I could have asked for. She is funny, caring, and what is most important to me in a friend: always there for me. She made me feel like I was actually involved in a friendship. We were always together. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I never had to question our friendship. That is important to me because I need constant reassurance or I start to think something must be wrong with me. Sadly, Keke moved after our sophomore year. I haven’t had a connection like that with a friend since then. What’s even more sad, is her and I aren’t as close because of it. We have small talk here and there, but I know she still cares about me. I have friends I guess, but I feel left out. They already had their friend groups when we became friends and I never receive the reassurance I need to make me know I’m apart of that. Maybe it’s because I’m not. This all sounds childish when I read it back, but feeling like you’re alone can really take a toll on you mentally. It definitely has on me.

These high school years are also when I was I diagnosed with dysthymia and anxiety. Dysthymia is a mild but long-term form of depression. Finding out I had it was no shock to me. One of the telling signs is having a relatively low mood for 2 or more years. That is me ever since I was about 8 or 9 years old. It is hard for me to get motivated to do things, I have low energy, and I seem to be at least a little negative all the time. I was given medication for this and it helped me a lot. I was much happier and less irritable. However, I got tired of taking it because I wanted to be happy without it. I didn’t want to take a pill just to cover up how I really feel. I wanted to learn how to just become a happier person. This has yet to happen and I’m not sure if I should continue not taking it.

(There is much more I could write about that I have been through in high school, and I probably will in a different post. I just wanted to get my thoughts together about my experience.)


love yourself girls

Many of us can remember being able to play with other kids without a mind that judged them. No one looked at race, or if Billy had big ears, or if Samantha always had snot peeking out of her nose. You could find a friend in anyone. The innocence within small children is something that is so beautiful to watch. Once people get older, they start to care about their appearance. For themselves, but a lot of the time for others too. That is when kids start making fun of each other too. In turn, that is what I believe is the reason for insecurities forming.

The road to self-love is a long and bumpy one no doubt. The first step:

Stop looking to others for validation.

Once you stop letting the opinions of others dictate how you feel about yourself, everything will fall into place. Reading what I just typed back to myself, I wonder why I ever did anything but that. If beauty is subjective, everyone has different opinions, why let one person ruin how you feel about your face and the way it looks. The next person you come in contact with might think you’re the most attractive person they’ve ever seen. That’s the beauty of everyone being different.

2. Stop comparing yourself to others

Yes the steps seem very hard and at this point you’re wishing there was a tea out there for confidence like there is for weight-loss. Sure, her curvy figure is beautiful but she’s her and you’re you. No one will ever be you and that is the mindset you have to keep with you forever. You don’t know the people you see on your Twitter timeline that you think are so pretty. They could be terrible people, or they could even hate themselves while you’re idolizing them. No one will ever have your sense of humor, your kindness, or your wit.

3. Accept how you are or make a healthy change

In today’s world you can change just about everything about yourself but if you are reading this, I am helping you be on the path to self-love. If your nose is rather large to you, sure they have surgery for that. Or if you want big boobs because you think that’s what guys like, there is a surgical fix for that too. I think cosmetic surgery is a great thing and have nothing against it, but of course I’d rather see everyone love themselves how they are. If all else fails and you want to go that route, do it. If you have an issue with your weight, by all means, make a healthy lifestyle change to fix that. If you are overweight that is the type of change I think is great not only because of how you will look, but how you will feel too.

In closing, I hope everyone reading this takes something from it and gets some inspiration from a person who still struggles with insecurities sometimes, but has overall, recovered from extremely low self-esteem. By my belief, you were created by the most high in his perfect image, exactly how you were supposed to and he makes no mistakes.



To be someone who is so passionate about race relations, I have actually been fortunate enough to not have dealt with what people think of when you say the word racism. Many people get what it is in our modern-day America confused. Racism is a system of disadvantage based on race. Minorities are already put at a disadvantage when it comes to getting a quality education or a well-paying job. In simpler terms, racism is prejudice plus power. Me being a person of color, I cannot be racist towards anyone because I do not have the power to put someone at a disadvantage. We were all there when the #BlackLivesMatter movement started when a 17-year-old boy, Trayvon Martin,  was fatally shot by George Zimmerman, a neighborhood watch volunteer. ‘Black Lives Matter’ is “a call to action and a response to the virulent anti-Black racism that permeates in our society.”( It is not an anti-White terrorist organization or an organization that promotes Black supremacy. They do not condone or stand behind anyone who commits an act of violence in the name of #BlackLivesMatter. A common misconception is that the name suggests no other race that matters. It is only to explain that Black lives are being targeted so until Black lives start to matter to everyone, how can all lives possibly matter?


People are constantly trying to silence Black people who are standing with the movement, speaking out, advocating, etc. Even in these modern days, it is wrong to try to escape the wrongdoing you may be dealing with. From my own experience I have noticed that uttering a word about racism will make someone receive a lot of backlash from white people. You don’t even have to include “white people” in whatever you are trying to say. I will never understand why the are automatically on the defensive. Me personally, I do not get offended when people mention the problems within the Black community. For instance, if someone mentions black-on-black crime, I do not get upset because I know it is prevalent but I am not a part of that. The only time it is offensive is when it is used in a way meant to downplay Black people being killed unjustly. It should be the same with people who are white. If you don’t use racial slurs, discriminate, etc., why be upset? Advocating equal rights should not upset someone who is in favor of equal rights. Talking about the issues in America is not helping divide us. Change will not come if we do not speak out about it.