this broke me.

I’m not going to say don’t trust people. 

I’m not going to say don’t care about people.

I’m saying don’t be stupid.

 

College signified new beginnings. I made a plan to come out of my shell and meet any and everybody I possibly could. This being because in high school, I had very few friends. Not many people were worth my time. I came in and instantly had a group of friends. I felt like for once I belonged and was surrounded by people who enjoyed my presence. The newfound freedom was the best part. I come and go as I please and I tried partying for the first time.  Everything was going good. Until.

When someone catches your attention, it’s a combination of feelings. Its nervousness. butterflies. Its being worried to sound stupid in front of them. Its not being able to help but notice when they’re around. Its sickening.

Its something I hope I never feel again.

It was nice at the time. The attention was something I wasn’t used to. And it was coming from someone who I thought would never give me the time of day. I never expected the crush I had to actually go anywhere. Mainly because I was too scared to initiate anything. My luck had never been good in that department or any other for that matter. When they first invited me to hang out with them, this whole college thing really felt like a movie, or like I was having a really good dream.

And I rarely have good dreams.

I made a lot of terrible choices.  I fucked up. I did more than I should’ve done. I was so distracted. I cared. I made all. the. wrong. moves.

I should have stopped it there when a relationship wasn’t in the picture for them. But to me that didn’t matter. People need time and it’s not always the best thing to do when you’re at certain points in your life. That’s all fine, as long as it’s actually true. I was too interested to let it stop there. I was having fun regardless and I didn’t want things to be weird. But like I said, I did too much. Way too much for something that wasn’t going to go anywhere. But the actions said differently and I don’t know, I guess I was hopeful. I was treated like I was special and that shouldn’t have happened.

I didn’t realize any of this until I had a few male perspectives analyze the situation.

“When he found out you liked him, he put a target on your head”

“All those things he was doing, was just to get to you.”

“He played chess with you, and check mate.”

“He slam dunked on you.”

This was all said in the middle of the cafeteria. A light came on. It all clicked and made sense. It was the worst feeling. I started to cry right there.

To say the least, I went crazy. To some girls, that’s a common occurrence. Its even expected. But I lived a different life. I had been in a 3 and a half year relationship in high school. I never had the oh-so-wonderful chance to experience being “used” or “played”.

I tried to let it go. I really did. I didn’t want them to know I knew what they had done. I was still being asked to hang around. I thought I would be able to simultaneously stay friends and get over it at the same time. That’s a mistake on my part. I couldn’t conceal my true feelings for long. I turned rude. I made snappy remarks. I was just a really hurt and angry individual. I should’ve taken time away and distanced myself. To my friends, I should have stopped dealing with them altogether. I just didn’t want to be mean or bitter.

It wasn’t me.

I’m naturally petty. I never truly get over things. The pain numbs but I always wish a lot of things had never happened. I changed a lot because of this situation. I didn’t want to make more friends. I didn’t smile as much anymore. I went from loving college to almost hating it. I didn’t want to party. I used to be so up for anything. I had to tell the people around me its not them, I just had to start taking breaks from social situations. Upon that happening, it seemed like everything else started to seem not so good. Or maybe, my awareness enhanced. My “friends” started to act not so friendly. The family type of feeling I got from them went away.

Being that my actual family isn’t so great, I guess the way they started to act was fitting.

Honestly, I’ll never be the same. I used to never even have a guard to put up. I trusted people too much. “Actions speak louder than words” is the motto right? Well what do you do when you follow that, and you turn out to be wrong? What do you do when their actions are inviting, but their words are actually saying what they meant all along?

I took an L. But a good friend told me upon all of this happening:

“Every L is a Lesson not a Loss.”

I learned a lesson. And unfortunately, I learned it the hard way. My Dad told me for years:

“Lexi, you gonna learn all your lessons the hard way because of how you are. You don’t listen to anybody.”

I was told early on to dub it. All the little signs, I ignored them while other people were telling me how it is and where it was going. I just wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. I didn’t feel like I had ample evidence to just assume I was being played. I didn’t want to assume someone was doing something bad like that just for it to not be true. I’m so used to gambling. I gamble with life. I always have to know the “what if” and you never know where something is going to go until it gets there. That’s the terrible thing about me. Instinct is everything. And for the sake of giving people chances, I ignore mine. A truly good thing won’t ever feel bad. You should never get a bad feeling from something that is actually good.

One good thing about me however, I usually don’t make the same mistake twice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

 

I am someone who cares about others intensely. Whether it be romantic relationships or friendships, I always try to put forth my best. I like to show people how important they are to me. My friends and even some acquaintances know they can come to me for a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or my personal favorite, a dose of my tough love when they need some advice.

Am I perfect? Of course not. Sometimes I go M.I.A. and they don’t always hear from me when I’m dealing with a lot. Sometimes I makes mistakes that leave them upset with me because I don’t always make the smartest decisions. I’m often left believing I have it all wrong. But that is where I will now refer to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Jesus is the best example for love. He loves unconditionally and always gives 100 percent. So in turn, I trust the bible’s definition for love.

I know that in doing this, I will end up more disappointed because not everyone chooses to love in that way. Effort scares people. Effort takes effort. People are getting lazier as the years go on. It’s easy to make friends but not so much to keep them. Many people are resorting to treating people how they are treated because they are tired of relationships being one-sided. I’ve thought about doing the same and it may cross my mind again. For now, knowing I put forth my best and it still fails will give me peace of mind.

 

-abs

the end is near.

I graduate high school next month. I have grown as a person so much. I have changed in ways, but overall I’m still just me. I’ve felt terrible pain and complete bliss. Both of which, temporary. There are many lessons I learned, because of my stubbornness, the hard way.

One distinct decision I made after my freshman year is one that will forever stand out to me. Up until that point, I was an easy target. People could say whatever they wanted to me basically with no response. (I was bullied my freshman year). I never said my opinion around anyone I wasn’t close to and I always tried to lay low. But one day, I thought about all of that. I didn’t want to be quiet, little, Alexis anymore. I had thoughts, opinions, and beliefs like everyone else. I figured mine should be heard too, not a crazy idea right? So, I started to let everyone hear them. It came pretty easy to me actually. It was almost like everything I ever wanted to say just came pouring out of me. All over my Snapchat story and Twitter feed. I spoke about everything. Simple things that grind my gears, my thoughts on people in general, hate crimes, just to name a few. The response received from my peers was mixed, about 30/70 from what I can see. 70% thought I should shut up and that I talked too much. 30% felt the same way I did and encouraged my rants. Those people are the reason why I have kept at it for so long. Sometimes, I want to stop. There are a lot of people who can’t stand me and probably avoid me just because I speak on things that are true. Just recently I have decided to lay off of it. I’m starting to believe my “friends” don’t think it is an attractive trait either. But I could be wrong.

Speaking of friends, that is an endeavor I haven’t been very successful at through high school. I made one very good friend when I first started high school. She was in my first class of the day. Her name is Kiara, lovingly known as Keke. Keke was the greatest friend I could have asked for. She is funny, caring, and what is most important to me in a friend: always there for me. She made me feel like I was actually involved in a friendship. We were always together. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I never had to question our friendship. That is important to me because I need constant reassurance or I start to think something must be wrong with me. Sadly, Keke moved after our sophomore year. I haven’t had a connection like that with a friend since then. What’s even more sad, is her and I aren’t as close because of it. We have small talk here and there, but I know she still cares about me. I have friends I guess, but I feel left out. They already had their friend groups when we became friends and I never receive the reassurance I need to make me know I’m apart of that. Maybe it’s because I’m not. This all sounds childish when I read it back, but feeling like you’re alone can really take a toll on you mentally. It definitely has on me.

These high school years are also when I was I diagnosed with dysthymia and anxiety. Dysthymia is a mild but long-term form of depression. Finding out I had it was no shock to me. One of the telling signs is having a relatively low mood for 2 or more years. That is me ever since I was about 8 or 9 years old. It is hard for me to get motivated to do things, I have low energy, and I seem to be at least a little negative all the time. I was given medication for this and it helped me a lot. I was much happier and less irritable. However, I got tired of taking it because I wanted to be happy without it. I didn’t want to take a pill just to cover up how I really feel. I wanted to learn how to just become a happier person. This has yet to happen and I’m not sure if I should continue not taking it.

(There is much more I could write about that I have been through in high school, and I probably will in a different post. I just wanted to get my thoughts together about my experience.)

 

-abs

love yourself girls

Many of us can remember being able to play with other kids without a mind that judged them. No one looked at race, or if Billy had big ears, or if Samantha always had snot peeking out of her nose. You could find a friend in anyone. The innocence within small children is something that is so beautiful to watch. Once people get older, they start to care about their appearance. For themselves, but a lot of the time for others too. That is when kids start making fun of each other too. In turn, that is what I believe is the reason for insecurities forming.

The road to self-love is a long and bumpy one no doubt. The first step:

Stop looking to others for validation.

Once you stop letting the opinions of others dictate how you feel about yourself, everything will fall into place. Reading what I just typed back to myself, I wonder why I ever did anything but that. If beauty is subjective, everyone has different opinions, why let one person ruin how you feel about your face and the way it looks. The next person you come in contact with might think you’re the most attractive person they’ve ever seen. That’s the beauty of everyone being different.

2. Stop comparing yourself to others

Yes the steps seem very hard and at this point you’re wishing there was a tea out there for confidence like there is for weight-loss. Sure, her curvy figure is beautiful but she’s her and you’re you. No one will ever be you and that is the mindset you have to keep with you forever. You don’t know the people you see on your Twitter timeline that you think are so pretty. They could be terrible people, or they could even hate themselves while you’re idolizing them. No one will ever have your sense of humor, your kindness, or your wit.

3. Accept how you are or make a healthy change

In today’s world you can change just about everything about yourself but if you are reading this, I am helping you be on the path to self-love. If your nose is rather large to you, sure they have surgery for that. Or if you want big boobs because you think that’s what guys like, there is a surgical fix for that too. I think cosmetic surgery is a great thing and have nothing against it, but of course I’d rather see everyone love themselves how they are. If all else fails and you want to go that route, do it. If you have an issue with your weight, by all means, make a healthy lifestyle change to fix that. If you are overweight that is the type of change I think is great not only because of how you will look, but how you will feel too.

 

In closing, I hope everyone reading this takes something from it and gets some inspiration from a person who still struggles with insecurities sometimes, but has overall, recovered from extremely low self-esteem. By my belief, you were created by the most high in his perfect image, exactly how you were supposed to and he makes no mistakes.

 

-abs

america

To be someone who is so passionate about race relations, I have actually been fortunate enough to not have dealt with what people think of when you say the word racism. Many people get what it is in our modern-day America confused. Racism is a system of disadvantage based on race. Minorities are already put at a disadvantage when it comes to getting a quality education or a well-paying job. In simpler terms, racism is prejudice plus power. Me being a person of color, I cannot be racist towards anyone because I do not have the power to put someone at a disadvantage. We were all there when the #BlackLivesMatter movement started when a 17-year-old boy, Trayvon Martin,  was fatally shot by George Zimmerman, a neighborhood watch volunteer. ‘Black Lives Matter’ is “a call to action and a response to the virulent anti-Black racism that permeates in our society.”(blacklivesmatter.com) It is not an anti-White terrorist organization or an organization that promotes Black supremacy. They do not condone or stand behind anyone who commits an act of violence in the name of #BlackLivesMatter. A common misconception is that the name suggests no other race that matters. It is only to explain that Black lives are being targeted so until Black lives start to matter to everyone, how can all lives possibly matter?

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People are constantly trying to silence Black people who are standing with the movement, speaking out, advocating, etc. Even in these modern days, it is wrong to try to escape the wrongdoing you may be dealing with. From my own experience I have noticed that uttering a word about racism will make someone receive a lot of backlash from white people. You don’t even have to include “white people” in whatever you are trying to say. I will never understand why the are automatically on the defensive. Me personally, I do not get offended when people mention the problems within the Black community. For instance, if someone mentions black-on-black crime, I do not get upset because I know it is prevalent but I am not a part of that. The only time it is offensive is when it is used in a way meant to downplay Black people being killed unjustly. It should be the same with people who are white. If you don’t use racial slurs, discriminate, etc., why be upset? Advocating equal rights should not upset someone who is in favor of equal rights. Talking about the issues in America is not helping divide us. Change will not come if we do not speak out about it.

 

-abs

dreaming

We all have childhood dreams of wanting to be a princess or superhero at one point. Or maybe you wanted to be like your favorite athlete you saw on the television. No matter what it was, there is a good chance you don’t want to be that anymore. Maybe your dreams have changed once, or twice, or three times, like me. Children seem like they persevere so much more than young adults. A little boy who wants to be like his favorite basketball player might play basketball outside every day for hours on end and talk about that person all the time. A little girl might sing at the top of her lungs to her idol’s music on the radio and beg her parents to watch her hold a mini concert in their living room. As we get older, that drive we had as kids shouldn’t go away. Looking back on how bad we wanted to achieve those dreams, we should want to achieve our current ones even more. Maybe you grew up and figured that dream wasn’t practical or that it wasn’t for you. That’s okay because there are people in college who don’t even have a major and are still trying to figure themselves out. Not a route I suggest but life happens.

Achieving a dream has many steps that go into it. It varies from dream to dream. Some are relatively quick and easy, others take years like career choices. No matter what it is, keep yourself moving forward by thinking about the rewards you’ll reap. The rewards don’t necessarily have to be money either. Me personally, I want to be a Forensic Scientist because many people are falsely accused of crimes that lead to long-term jail time and aren’t released until many years later once it is discovered they aren’t guilty. I just want to help people. Some people wish to do certain things just because they enjoy it. There may not be anything better than making money doing something you like to do anyway.

There are many people you may see that are homeless, or just not doing much with their life in all seriousness. I’m not sure about anyone else, but I’ve wondered “What did they want to be?” and “How did their dreams escape them?”. Homelessness is definitely not always a result of their own laziness. As said before, life happens, and sometimes, very badly. I hope that we can all do whatever it takes to make sure our dreams don’t escape us. Stay on top of them and persevere. Don’t let anything distract you from them. And most importantly, don’t become discouraged and start thinking you aren’t good enough or that you can’t do it. That I think is what crushes most dreams. Self-doubt is powerful because it’s you. No one is better at ending your trek towards your goals than you believe it or not.

 

-abs

 

up for debate

Being someone who is scrolling through twitter at almost any waking moment, a fatal flaw I have witnessed among my fellow tweeters is the inability to accept someone else’s opinion for what it is or just theoretically walk away. Now I have always said I won’t accept a shitty opinion. One that is racist, misogynist, or homophobic. If you possess any opinions of the such, I believe those you should keep to yourself and have a self examination while you’re at it. Those are the opinions worth dragging someone across the timeline by their collar for. You may even see me there participating in such dragging. (Because I’m working on myself, I try not to engage in online arguments but if it is just needed, I’ll do so). This post is titled “up for debate” because it is perfectly fine to debate various topics in a way that is respectful and without criticism of a person’s intelligence. Coming for a person’s intelligence or physical appearance because you do not agree with their opinion only shows your inability to back up your side of the argument with valid facts so you fill in the space with insults which only exhibits pure ignorance.

If someone’s personal opinions does not affect you in any way, why start an intense argument over it? I’m sure I can answer that question with the possibility of the person being an internet troll who does it for attention or out of boredom maybe. I wish I had enough time in the day as those people but fortunately if I did I would spend it in a way that would promote self-growth. I’m known to be a very opinionated person and I started being that way around my sophomore year of high school. Sometimes I hate being “that girl” but once you’re labeled as something there isn’t really much going back so I continue to be who I am. People have talked to my friends about the things I like to discuss online even which is crazy to me. I’m not sure why being opinionated is something people try to avoid being as long as you’re doing it in a positive way. I talk about race relations and how corrupt the government is. It is all talk about how I want things to be better for everyone. In closing, this brings me to one of my favorite quotes “If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.” – Desmond Tutu

 

-abs