I’m not going to say don’t trust people. I’m not going to say don’t care about people.
I’m saying don’t be stupid.
College signified new beginnings. I made a plan to come out of my shell and meet any and everybody I possibly could. This being because in high school, I had very few friends. Not many people were worth my time. I came in and instantly had a group of friends. I felt like for once I belonged and was surrounded by people who enjoyed my presence. The newfound freedom was the best part. I come and go as I please and I tried partying for the first time. Everything was going good. Until.
When someone catches your attention, it’s a combination of feelings. Its nervousness. butterflies. Its being worried to sound stupid in front of them. Its not being able to help but notice when they’re around. Its sickening.
Its something I hope I never feel again.
It was nice at the time. The attention was something I wasn’t used to. And it was coming from someone who I thought would never give me the time of day. I never expected the crush I had to actually go anywhere. Mainly because I was too scared to initiate anything. My luck had never been good in that department or any other for that matter. When they first invited me to hang out with them, this whole college thing really felt like a movie, or like I was having a really good dream.
And I rarely have good dreams.
I made a lot of terrible choices. I fucked up. I did more than I should’ve done. I was so distracted. I cared. I made all. the. wrong. moves.
I should have stopped it there when a relationship wasn’t in the picture for them. But to me that didn’t matter. People need time and it’s not always the best thing to do when you’re at certain points in your life. That’s all fine, as long as it’s actually true. I was too interested to let it stop there. I was having fun regardless and I didn’t want things to be weird. But like I said, I did too much. Way too much for something that wasn’t going to go anywhere. But the actions said differently and I don’t know, I guess I was hopeful. I was treated like I was special and that shouldn’t have happened.
I didn’t realize any of this until I had a few male perspectives analyze the situation.
“When he found out you liked him, he put a target on your head”
“All those things he was doing, was just to get to you.”
“He played chess with you, and check mate.”
“He slam dunked on you.”
This was all said in the middle of the cafeteria. A light came on. It all clicked and made sense. It was the worst feeling. I started to cry right there.
To say the least, I went crazy. To some girls, that’s a common occurrence. Its even expected. But I lived a different life. I had been in a 3 and a half year relationship in high school. I never had the oh-so-wonderful chance to experience being “used” or “played”.
I tried to let it go. I really did. I didn’t want them to know I knew what they had done. I was still being asked to hang around. I thought I would be able to simultaneously stay friends and get over it at the same time. That’s a mistake on my part. I couldn’t conceal my true feelings for long. I turned rude. I made snappy remarks. I was just a really hurt and angry individual. I should’ve taken time away and distanced myself. To my friends, I should have stopped dealing with them altogether. I just didn’t want to be mean or bitter.
It wasn’t me.
I’m naturally petty. I never truly get over things. The pain numbs but I always wish a lot of things had never happened. I changed a lot because of this situation. I didn’t want to make more friends. I didn’t smile as much anymore. I went from loving college to almost hating it. I didn’t want to party. I used to be so up for anything. I had to tell the people around me its not them, I just had to start taking breaks from social situations. Upon that happening, it seemed like everything else started to seem not so good. Or maybe, my awareness enhanced. My “friends” started to act not so friendly. The family type of feeling I got from them went away.
Being that my actual family isn’t so great, I guess the way they started to act was fitting.
Honestly, I’ll never be the same. I used to never even have a guard to put up. I trusted people too much. “Actions speak louder than words” is the motto right? Well what do you do when you follow that, and you turn out to be wrong? What do you do when their actions are inviting, but their words are actually saying what they meant all along?
I took an L. But a good friend told me upon all of this happening:
“Every L is a Lesson not a Loss.”
I learned a lesson. And unfortunately, I learned it the hard way. My Dad told me for years:
“Lexi, you gonna learn all your lessons the hard way because of how you are. You don’t listen to anybody.”
I was told early on to dub it. All the little signs, I ignored them while other people were telling me how it is and where it was going. I just wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. I didn’t feel like I had ample evidence to just assume I was being played. I didn’t want to assume someone was doing something bad like that just for it to not be true. I’m so used to gambling. I gamble with life. I always have to know the “what if” and you never know where something is going to go until it gets there. That’s the terrible thing about me. Instinct is everything. And for the sake of giving people chances, I ignore mine. A truly good thing won’t ever feel bad. You should never get a bad feeling from something that is actually good.
One good thing about me however, I usually don’t make the same mistake twice.