numb

These past few weeks have made me realize a change in myself that shows growth and maturity. All my life, I’ve been dramatic. I have turned everything into a big deal worth crying and whining over for as long as I can remember. Just this morning, tears were running down my face at my job. I know you’re thinking “Weren’t you just saying you changed?” and yes. That little detail does not erase my previous statement because well, I hadn’t taken my happy pill in a few days. Which this brings me to wonder, have I actually matured, or has the introduction of medication into my life made me numb and unable to react? I think it is a mixture of both. Even when I haven’t taken it for a while, I don’t feel like crying when things go wrong I kind of shrug it off and keep moving. Don’t get me wrong, I still am aware that things are going terrible I just seem to be able to wrap my head around it.

I have been looking back on my short life reminiscing on how far I’ve come. I can’t count how many times I was so sure my world was falling apart all around me. If that was really the case, I made it through every single Armageddon. I see that I am strong and always have been. I’v been through so much that I feel others would crumble apart if they endured the same. I can’t say any of this without giving all credit to God. He made me this way and picked me up every time I fell. Every time I cried I felt that he was listening. I always do this thing where I cry and imagine Jesus hugging me and wiping my tears. It seems silly, but it helps. Not a lot of people know just the extent of my issues and struggles in life, although I’d be happy to tell anyone who wants to listen. But I know I have it great compared to some. I hope that anyone who takes the time to read this takes something away from it and maybe gets a little inspiration.

 

-abs

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in the mist

With everything happening so that I can transition to the next chapter of my life, I have felt like I am in a cloud of mist that goes on for miles and miles. I can’t see what’s ahead of me, and I can’t turn around and go back because I can’t see behind me either. Because I cannot just sit down in the middle of the mist and stay there forever, I’m forced to at least keep going to see where I end up. Oh yeah and, in this hypothetical mist, I’m alone. No one can help me get to my destination besides myself.

The journey to get a post-secondary education might be one of the hardest things I have done, but it is almost like I’ve been going to school for 12 years already, it would be like I was slapping myself in the face if I didn’t take it further. Plus, I kind of don’t want to be a bum. The negative outcomes of not going to college is what’s pushing me further. I think that’s what’s making it hard to continue. There’s only negative thoughts in my head of what could happen every time I decide I’ve procrastinated too long and I need to do my homework already, or when I really don’t want to fail and need to study, and when I need to write an essay for a scholarship so I won’t be in college debt up to my ears.

In the end, I know it will all be worth it. I just want to help people by solving crimes in a little laboratory one day.