one day at a time.

Sometimes I feel like the world is crumbling beneath me.

At any given moment, my mood can be ruined. There are people who have brought an immense amount of negativity into my life and if they are around, I get uncomfortable. I can’t help but be pushed back in time when my issues with them first appeared. When one thing makes me upset, my mind has to go ahead and recall everything that has ever made me upset. Thus, making it seem like I’m blowing things out of proportion. Just this morning, I viewed something on Snapchat that ruined my whole day. It’s really that easy. I then proceeded to angrily go on a rant in my text messages that eventually stopped getting a response.

I always feel very unimportant to anyone I know. I’m not sure why, but I’ve been dealing with it since high school. It’s kind of like I’m that one friend in the group who isn’t really in the group. When it comes to going places and getting together, I’m rarely thought of. I recently started to distance myself because of this, and of course, I’m the bad guy for it.

Now its “Lexi, you don’t fuck with us anymore” (as if they were really “fucking” with me to begin with.)

But I mean, no one seemed that worried before. I’m always made the antagonist once I react accordingly to other’s actions.

Since my last post, I have again been making the wrong judgement about the male variety. So much for not making the same mistakes right? But at least one good thing came out of it: The idea of entertaining any approach from a guy now makes me sick to my stomach. It honestly sucks that with every interaction with one, I become more and more convinced that for some reason I’m not good enough. Now of course, I know I am. And I know nothing is wrong with me. But this chemical imbalance says otherwise.

I remember my medication like it was yesterday.

I had been to a psychiatrist before, but she was so focused on the interaction of all of us in the household more than just me. Granted, that was a big part of my issue, especially when my dad first got remarried. Before going to a different one years later, I had nagged my dad about putting me on medication. Typical of black parents, his response was “You don’t need any medicine. Nothing is wrong with you.” The nagging continued however and I finally met with another psychiatrist. He felt like my issue partly laid in just being in my home environment which at the time was not so great following an event that was in a way, traumatizing for me. I was considering getting exonerated and moving out, which he also believed I should do. He honestly believed that my mental health would not be able to improve until I got out of my house.

This psychiatrist had regular conversations with me, we did an IQ test, and he finally had me do a very long questionnaire that would help him diagnose me. My favorite part was that he brought his dog to work with him. Once I did the questionnaire, it was determined that I have dysthymic disorder which is a persistent depression that is mild but long-term and anxiety. On my last day with him, because I had no intentions of continuing talk therapy and it was very straining on my parents’ pockets, one thing he said really stuck with me:

“You’re such a sweet kid, you don’t deserve to feel the way you do.”

It seems like nothing, but no one had ever made me feel like how I felt wasn’t my fault. I had spent so long being made out to be my own enemy. When I finally got medication after that, there was an amazing change. I was smiling more, I had more motivation, and I was just overall more happy. I for some reason, started to question it. I felt more in control of my brain but it was only because of the medicine. I started to think maybe I didn’t need it and I could handle it on my own. I didn’t want to be depending on a pill that made me think I was happy. So, I stopped. And for a long time I was okay most of the time. It was only when I got to college and bad things started happening that the depression came back at me full force.

Currently, I have no control over anything anymore. I cry a lot in my room and I’m not half the person I was the first few months of being in college. I feel like I’m 8 years old again scared to go to sleep at night because all of my fears and anything negative that crosses my mind has started to manifest itself in my dreams. The one time I was ever at peace anymore has become a war zone for all my demons.

Sometime 2 weeks ago, I decided to take control over this thing in my head that has had a hold on me for a decade or more.

I’m working on loving my own company more than anyone else’s because I need a break from disappointment. I’m getting over the urge of just really wanting a type of companionship. It seems like no issue, but it is for me. Although I don’t notice my own anxiety often, it really shows when it comes to going places alone. I used to not be able to go to the cafe and eat if I was alone. If I had no one to go with, I would have sleep for dinner. Now, I go to every meal with the intentions of eating alone. I hang out by myself and I go to the library religiously on my own. There are many things I’m working on getting good at. Another one of them being not comparing myself to other people. I have started to really love how I am and appreciate others’ abilities while also giving recognition to my own. I may not be like the next person in one aspect, but there is always something about me that is equally cool.

This journey I’m on was long overdue. I’ve been living my life thinking that it’s just something I have to deal with. It is going to take a while but I wake up everyday with the intentions of getting just a little better. I’m taking it one day at a time.



1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

I am someone who cares about others intensely. Whether it be romantic relationships or friendships, I always try to put forth my best. I like to show people how important they are to me. My friends and even some acquaintances know they can come to me for a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or my personal favorite, a dose of my tough love when they need some advice.

Am I perfect? Of course not. Sometimes I go M.I.A. and they don’t always hear from me when I’m dealing with a lot. Sometimes I makes mistakes that leave them upset with me because I don’t always make the smartest decisions. I’m often left believing I have it all wrong. But that is where I will now refer to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Jesus is the best example for love. He loves unconditionally and always gives 100 percent. So in turn, I trust the bible’s definition for love.

I know that in doing this, I will end up more disappointed because not everyone chooses to love in that way. Effort scares people. Effort takes effort. People are getting lazier as the years go on. It’s easy to make friends but not so much to keep them. Many people are resorting to treating people how they are treated because they are tired of relationships being one-sided. I’ve thought about doing the same and it may cross my mind again. For now, knowing I put forth my best and it still fails will give me peace of mind.


the end is near.

I graduate high school next month. I have grown as a person so much. I have changed in ways, but overall I’m still just me. I’ve felt terrible pain and complete bliss. Both of which, temporary. There are many lessons I learned, because of my stubbornness, the hard way.

One distinct decision I made after my freshman year is one that will forever stand out to me. Up until that point, I was an easy target. People could say whatever they wanted to me basically with no response. (I was bullied my freshman year). I never said my opinion around anyone I wasn’t close to and I always tried to lay low. But one day, I thought about all of that. I didn’t want to be quiet, little, Alexis anymore. I had thoughts, opinions, and beliefs like everyone else. I figured mine should be heard too, not a crazy idea right? So, I started to let everyone hear them. It came pretty easy to me actually. It was almost like everything I ever wanted to say just came pouring out of me. All over my Snapchat story and Twitter feed. I spoke about everything. Simple things that grind my gears, my thoughts on people in general, hate crimes, just to name a few. The response received from my peers was mixed, about 30/70 from what I can see. 70% thought I should shut up and that I talked too much. 30% felt the same way I did and encouraged my rants. Those people are the reason why I have kept at it for so long. Sometimes, I want to stop. There are a lot of people who can’t stand me and probably avoid me just because I speak on things that are true. Just recently I have decided to lay off of it. I’m starting to believe my “friends” don’t think it is an attractive trait either. But I could be wrong.

Speaking of friends, that is an endeavor I haven’t been very successful at through high school. I made one very good friend when I first started high school. She was in my first class of the day. Her name is Kiara, lovingly known as Keke. Keke was the greatest friend I could have asked for. She is funny, caring, and what is most important to me in a friend: always there for me. She made me feel like I was actually involved in a friendship. We were always together. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I never had to question our friendship. That is important to me because I need constant reassurance or I start to think something must be wrong with me. Sadly, Keke moved after our sophomore year. I haven’t had a connection like that with a friend since then. What’s even more sad, is her and I aren’t as close because of it. We have small talk here and there, but I know she still cares about me. I have friends I guess, but I feel left out. They already had their friend groups when we became friends and I never receive the reassurance I need to make me know I’m apart of that. Maybe it’s because I’m not. This all sounds childish when I read it back, but feeling like you’re alone can really take a toll on you mentally. It definitely has on me.

These high school years are also when I was I diagnosed with dysthymia and anxiety. Dysthymia is a mild but long-term form of depression. Finding out I had it was no shock to me. One of the telling signs is having a relatively low mood for 2 or more years. That is me ever since I was about 8 or 9 years old. It is hard for me to get motivated to do things, I have low energy, and I seem to be at least a little negative all the time. I was given medication for this and it helped me a lot. I was much happier and less irritable. However, I got tired of taking it because I wanted to be happy without it. I didn’t want to take a pill just to cover up how I really feel. I wanted to learn how to just become a happier person. This has yet to happen and I’m not sure if I should continue not taking it.

(There is much more I could write about that I have been through in high school, and I probably will in a different post. I just wanted to get my thoughts together about my experience.)


love yourself girls

Many of us can remember being able to play with other kids without a mind that judged them. No one looked at race, or if Billy had big ears, or if Samantha always had snot peeking out of her nose. You could find a friend in anyone. The innocence within small children is something that is so beautiful to watch. Once people get older, they start to care about their appearance. For themselves, but a lot of the time for others too. That is when kids start making fun of each other too. In turn, that is what I believe is the reason for insecurities forming.

The road to self-love is a long and bumpy one no doubt. The first step:

Stop looking to others for validation.

Once you stop letting the opinions of others dictate how you feel about yourself, everything will fall into place. Reading what I just typed back to myself, I wonder why I ever did anything but that. If beauty is subjective, everyone has different opinions, why let one person ruin how you feel about your face and the way it looks. The next person you come in contact with might think you’re the most attractive person they’ve ever seen. That’s the beauty of everyone being different.

2. Stop comparing yourself to others

Yes the steps seem very hard and at this point you’re wishing there was a tea out there for confidence like there is for weight-loss. Sure, her curvy figure is beautiful but she’s her and you’re you. No one will ever be you and that is the mindset you have to keep with you forever. You don’t know the people you see on your Twitter timeline that you think are so pretty. They could be terrible people, or they could even hate themselves while you’re idolizing them. No one will ever have your sense of humor, your kindness, or your wit.

3. Accept how you are or make a healthy change

In today’s world you can change just about everything about yourself but if you are reading this, I am helping you be on the path to self-love. If your nose is rather large to you, sure they have surgery for that. Or if you want big boobs because you think that’s what guys like, there is a surgical fix for that too. I think cosmetic surgery is a great thing and have nothing against it, but of course I’d rather see everyone love themselves how they are. If all else fails and you want to go that route, do it. If you have an issue with your weight, by all means, make a healthy lifestyle change to fix that. If you are overweight that is the type of change I think is great not only because of how you will look, but how you will feel too.

In closing, I hope everyone reading this takes something from it and gets some inspiration from a person who still struggles with insecurities sometimes, but has overall, recovered from extremely low self-esteem. By my belief, you were created by the most high in his perfect image, exactly how you were supposed to and he makes no mistakes.



To be someone who is so passionate about race relations, I have actually been fortunate enough to not have dealt with what people think of when you say the word racism. Many people get what it is in our modern-day America confused. Racism is a system of disadvantage based on race. Minorities are already put at a disadvantage when it comes to getting a quality education or a well-paying job. In simpler terms, racism is prejudice plus power. Me being a person of color, I cannot be racist towards anyone because I do not have the power to put someone at a disadvantage. We were all there when the #BlackLivesMatter movement started when a 17-year-old boy, Trayvon Martin,  was fatally shot by George Zimmerman, a neighborhood watch volunteer. ‘Black Lives Matter’ is “a call to action and a response to the virulent anti-Black racism that permeates in our society.”( It is not an anti-White terrorist organization or an organization that promotes Black supremacy. They do not condone or stand behind anyone who commits an act of violence in the name of #BlackLivesMatter. A common misconception is that the name suggests no other race that matters. It is only to explain that Black lives are being targeted so until Black lives start to matter to everyone, how can all lives possibly matter?


People are constantly trying to silence Black people who are standing with the movement, speaking out, advocating, etc. Even in these modern days, it is wrong to try to escape the wrongdoing you may be dealing with. From my own experience I have noticed that uttering a word about racism will make someone receive a lot of backlash from white people. You don’t even have to include “white people” in whatever you are trying to say. I will never understand why the are automatically on the defensive. Me personally, I do not get offended when people mention the problems within the Black community. For instance, if someone mentions black-on-black crime, I do not get upset because I know it is prevalent but I am not a part of that. The only time it is offensive is when it is used in a way meant to downplay Black people being killed unjustly. It should be the same with people who are white. If you don’t use racial slurs, discriminate, etc., why be upset? Advocating equal rights should not upset someone who is in favor of equal rights. Talking about the issues in America is not helping divide us. Change will not come if we do not speak out about it.




We all have childhood dreams of wanting to be a princess or superhero at one point. Or maybe you wanted to be like your favorite athlete you saw on the television. No matter what it was, there is a good chance you don’t want to be that anymore. Maybe your dreams have changed once, or twice, or three times, like me. Children seem like they persevere so much more than young adults. A little boy who wants to be like his favorite basketball player might play basketball outside every day for hours on end and talk about that person all the time. A little girl might sing at the top of her lungs to her idol’s music on the radio and beg her parents to watch her hold a mini concert in their living room. As we get older, that drive we had as kids shouldn’t go away. Looking back on how bad we wanted to achieve those dreams, we should want to achieve our current ones even more. Maybe you grew up and figured that dream wasn’t practical or that it wasn’t for you. That’s okay because there are people in college who don’t even have a major and are still trying to figure themselves out. Not a route I suggest but life happens.

Achieving a dream has many steps that go into it. It varies from dream to dream. Some are relatively quick and easy, others take years like career choices. No matter what it is, keep yourself moving forward by thinking about the rewards you’ll reap. The rewards don’t necessarily have to be money either. Me personally, I want to be a Forensic Scientist because many people are falsely accused of crimes that lead to long-term jail time and aren’t released until many years later once it is discovered they aren’t guilty. I just want to help people. Some people wish to do certain things just because they enjoy it. There may not be anything better than making money doing something you like to do anyway.

There are many people you may see that are homeless, or just not doing much with their life in all seriousness. I’m not sure about anyone else, but I’ve wondered “What did they want to be?” and “How did their dreams escape them?”. Homelessness is definitely not always a result of their own laziness. As said before, life happens, and sometimes, very badly. I hope that we can all do whatever it takes to make sure our dreams don’t escape us. Stay on top of them and persevere. Don’t let anything distract you from them. And most importantly, don’t become discouraged and start thinking you aren’t good enough or that you can’t do it. That I think is what crushes most dreams. Self-doubt is powerful because it’s you. No one is better at ending your trek towards your goals than you believe it or not.